


cause even the stars they burn

by localopa



Series: i won’t give up [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Hospitals, M/M, Near Death Experiences, major trigger warning for alcoholism, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-11-16 09:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11250270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localopa/pseuds/localopa
Summary: phil has alcoholism and dan's desperate to get him better





	1. part one: even if the skies get rough

**Author's Note:**

> major trigger warning for alcoholism. the whole fic is about alcoholism, if you couldn't guess. i have never drank, so this is all based on research. i'd like to thank rachel for being a doll and telling me to finish this part and my local chinese place for fueling me this finish it. work title and chapter title both are from "i won't give up" by jason mraz.
> 
> xx. oliver

it's thursday and phil wakes up with cold water hitting him in the face. he sputters, shaking his head and pushing himself up. he’s in his bathroom again, his long legs bunched up to try to fit his large body in the tub. his eyes burn from sleeping in his contacts, but if he squints just right, he can count five beer bottles on the floor of the bathroom.

“ideally, when i woke up to piss, i didn’t think i’d see you in the tub,” a voice chuckles, phil looking up and, oh yeah, he lives with dan. “tried waking you up by shaking you. luckily, you fell asleep in the tub again so all that got wet was you.”

dan leaves the bathroom, and phil’s left watching him. it’s pretty much a weekly occurrence at this point. phil gets drunk and wakes up in a tub, dan walks in and wonders if his best friend’s still alive, cold water, snarky comment, confirmation that best friend is, in fact, alive, dan leaves and phil’s left to put together the pieces of his sobriety. his flatmate makes coffee and some toast, he doesn't ask any questions nor does phil tell him anything about why he gets drunk. 

it's not like dan doesn't want to know why, he's seen the worried glances from across the couch in the lounge. he just doesn't tell him. nobody knows why phil lester, the 30 year old man who still gets treated like a child, drinks until he blacks out. they have a routine, him and dan, and neither of them is tempted to break it.

they're dan and phil, the youtube power couple whose origin story is what they write about in fan fictions. nothing they can break them. 

-

_1\. we admit we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives became unmanageable. we admit we cannot drink safely at any time, that bad things happen to us every time we drink and it's tearing our lives to shreds._

the next time phil’s hands begin to shake with the need of his addiction is halfway through his liveshow the following sunday. 

he's in the middle of a story about some random encounter he had in the past week when his fingers begin to twitch. _it's too soon_ , he thinks. _usually i can manage until another two days before this happens._ he tries to let it fault him, he grabs the nearest object once he finishes the story and starts showing it off. it's only been 23 minutes, he needs to last another 20 in order for the liveshow to not look suspicious. 

then his hands begin to shake on screen. phil pulls his hands down, out of sight quickly, laughing to try and cover it up. he can do this, he has power over wanting alcohol. if he makes it through the next 18 minutes and 16 seconds, he’ll reward himself with a trip down to tesco to get his favorite beer. 

(he’ll do this regardless of whether or not he lasts that long.)

it's another minute when his foot begins to twitch, causing the laptop to move. he can't do it, but he has to try. fans are asking him what's wrong, and he lies through his teeth. 

“just a bit restless i guess!” 

the last straw is when his leg jolts, causing his laptop to fall off the couch. it slams itself shut and phil feels the relief of being able to go to tesco. it won't be long until his body feels better, his hands would stop shaking, and he can escape like he desperately wants to.

_@AmazingPhil: Sorry about that! Leg twitched and dropped my laptop. Everything’s okay! See you guys next week!_

phil practically runs to his room, quickly getting his jeans and shoes on. he nearly falls over when he puts his left shoe on, but he's okay. he grabs his wallet and keys, making his way to the front door. the tesco walk isn't that long, meaning it won't be long until he gets the release he needs. 

“please don't go.”

his hand freezes right before he grabs the doorknob, really his whole body freezes. shit, he's been caught. dan must've known something was wrong when his liveshow cut off early.

“phil, please,” dan’s voice sounds so desperate, like he's trying to clinging onto some kind of hope. “you don't have to do this. we can get you help.”

phil turns around to look at dan, putting on his best fake smile. _he’ll see right through it. he always has._

“dan, we just ran out of our coffee. that’s all i'm getting. promise.”

this part, the part where phil lies between his teeth about his frequent tesco visits under the guise of something else, is also routine. he escapes once a week, sometimes more, to feed his need for beer and various alcohols. it's breaks both of their hearts every time they go through it. they both know what's going to happen, phil’s still going to leave for tesco, phil’s still going to come back with a case of beer that seems to get bigger every time, phil’s still going to get shitfaced and dan’s going to find him in the tub. it's every week, though now it seems like it's almost every day. 

“i just bought coffee this morning.”

“i couldn't find any, dan. i'm just running out to go get coffee. don't worry. i'm not going to buy any of it.”

 _it_ is their way of acknowledging the alcohol that's tearing them apart. _it_ is phil’s way of not saying beer and admiring he has a problem. _it_ is continually breaking dan down to the point where he doesn't know how to rebuild himself.

 _it_ is the reason why any of this is even happening. 

phil’s hand grips the doorknob now, slowly turning it until it opened. dan watches him leave, taking a step forward like that makes any difference. his hand reaches out, wanting to grab phil and pull him back and hold him close. he wants everything to be alright, he wants everything to go back to normal. 

-

dan hears phil crash through the door later, yelling something and, oh, this part’s new. usually phil waits until he gets home to open his first drink and from the sounds of it, he's already three or four beers in. dan stays up in his room, knowing that if phil sees him, he'll try and get with him. he learned that the hard way, back when dan didn't think anything of phil getting drunk on a wednesday. and it's not that he doesn't want that. dan doesn't want it while phil’s intoxicated. 

he hears more crashing around in the lower part of their home, squeezing his eyes as tight as he can while he tries to remember the days before this. when all they had was a skype connection and shy smiles. when he had to scrape every last pence he had in order to get a train ticket to see him. when phil didn't drink to forget and dan wasn't terrified of his drunk best friend. 

somewhere between the horrible rendition of the killers’ _mr. brightside_ and phil’s screaming about his absolutely wonderful video ideas, dan falls asleep sobbing. he wakes up tired than he went to bed, his palms having crescent shaped marks from his nails.

dan forces himself to get out of bed, scared to find phil in the bathtub again and having to face his best friend. he finds him there, his legs dangling out the side and his head underneath the soap dish. new sobs come out of his mouth, phil stirs but doesn't wake up. at least he knows he's alive. dan runs out of the bathroom and up to his room, grabbing his phone and dialing a number. 

“louise? i think there's something wrong with phil.”

-

_2\. we come to believe that we can live happily and sober. that we have the power to do things differently. we can change maladaptive and destructive patterns of thought, behavior and action, and make wise choices to stay sober and happy._

the intervention doesn't happen until three days after vidcon ends and supposedly they're all going to disneyland. 

they’re still going, but phil’s not so sure when he walks into his hotel room and five of his friends are sitting on his bed. 

“what's going on here?” phil stops short at the door, letting it close behind him but going nowhere further than that. “did someone die?” it's a crude joke, and the laugh that leaves him is almost evil. 

none of the friends speak, just looking around at each other. tyler scratched the back of his neck, cat fiddled with her thumbs. even louise wasn't making any eye contact with him. _what was wrong?!_ phil wondered as he decided to take a step closer. _i haven't done anything wrong, have i?_

“i'm tired of finding you passed out in the tub.” everyone’s eyes are on dan, not expecting him to even speak. dan, himself, can't even look up, his eyes focused on a spot of the carpet. “i'm tired of feeling terrified every time you leave the house to go to the store and buy beer. i'm tired of hearing your drunk singing at 2 in the morning. i'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night you drink and i'm tired of the routine we’ve stuck ourselves in for _years_ , phil.” dan sighs, finally looking up to his best friend, tears are already down his cheeks. “this is an intervention. you have a problem and you need to stop.”

surprisingly, phil laughs. he laughs loud and doubles over and holds his stomach. dan doesn't get it, none of them get it. the laughter continues, until phil is on his knees and the laughing turns into crying and the crying turns into desperate gasps for air. nobody moves, dan’s frozen in his place from fear and, for some reason, everyone else is following his lead.

it takes 15 minutes for phil to finally stop sounding like he's about to die, and in that time, adam walks over and sets him against the wall. adam’s the one who gets him to calm down, he knows the feeling of watching your best friend destroy themselves. 

“i don't have a problem. i think dan’s exaggerating.” phil is trying to play it off now, trying to make the attention not on him. he can feel his hands begin to shake, the feeling of needing his alcohol coming too soon again. 

(in reality, he's surprised he made it to the vidcon party before he got drunk again. he's been getting trashed every night leading to their trip to america.)

“you didn't come back to the hotel room.” the room freezes again, and this time dan’s standing up. “three nights ago, at the vidcon party. we usually stay right next to each other, we understand we don't do parties. but halfway through, you were gone. i tried looking for you, but nobody saw you. i thought, maybe he went back to the room. maybe he got too uncomfortable with the party and left without telling me.” dan’s hand pushes back his hair, trying to will himself not to cry again. “and you weren't there when i got back. i called the front desk to see if they saw you, but they didn't. i couldn't even go to sleep. louise came over to make sure i didn't go crazy.”

dan wants to continue, but he starts crying again and he's back on the bed. his body is curling into cat’s as he tries to regain his composure. but he couldn't. the memories of three nights is still too fresh in his mind. dan’s arms wrap around cat’s middle, she begins to rub his back.

god bless louise. she decides she should pick up the story. 

“he cried all night, phil. i've never seen him cry so much. we tried calling you, but it kept going to voicemail. we couldn't reach you. neither of us slept at all. we tho-”

“we thought you were dead phil!” dan screams into cat’s chest, clutching her tighter. “we thought that you drank so much that you died.” his voice was cut off by more crying, tyler now joining in on trying to console his friend. 

“we did. nobody could find you for the longest time. finally, i got a call from hank saying that you were passed out on the main stage. dan was asleep by then, so i went down and had to collect you. we couldn't even get you to your feet, let alone make it look like you weren't shitfaced. i don't even know how you got to the main stage.” 

phil stayed silent, wrapping his arms around his legs. he had caused all of that? dan had lost a night of sleep because he disappeared? he shook his head in disbelief. he didn't have a problem, just because his hands shook when it's been too long since his last drink didn't mean there was anything wrong with him. 

“i think you're being ridiculous. i-”

“a month ago you stopped a liveshow because you wanted to get drunk,” dan says between sniffles. “i-i had been watching from my room, and i saw your hands shaking when you held up one of our plants. you were making up excuses and then suddenly, it cut off. you tweeted something out and said your leg twitched. then i heard you run to your room, and i heard your keys. i tried to stop you, but you went anyway. you came back already drunk. i was so scared to go downstairs, i didn't want to see you. i found you in the tub the next day, you still had a beer in your hand, phil. it looked half drank.” 

phil shook his head again. that had been one ti-

“it's not the first time i've found you there. almost every time you drink, you end up in the tub. when i didn't find you in the tub three days ago, i really thought you died. i don't know what i would've done if you did. i'm so glad that hank found you. but, phil, you have an addiction.”

this is the first time either of them ever called it an addiction outloud. phil knew that he had something wrong with him, dan knew there was something wrong. they had a routine and they never broke it. he shook his head again, he wasn't going to admit it. there isn't a problem, not to the point of addiction. it wasn't like that! him drinking wasn't an addiction. 

phil doesn't know when he starts crying into adam’s neck, but he does and the rest of his friends come around him. this was the first step to getting phil better, this was the first step for dan to get better as well. phil ends up in dan’s arms somehow, but he doesn't care. they’re both crying, and their friends are just watching on. this was a moment they didn't want to break. 

-

eventually, they do make it to disneyland. dan is adamant about going, he says he wants to show phil that he can have a good time while being sober. that the sober life is fun and alcohol doesn’t have to be involved. 

they all get recognized, red rimmed eyes and all. they took pictures with fans, they hoped that nobody on the internet would point it out. today is supposed to be fun, no more emotions.

dan gets worried every time they pass by a tavern, eyeing the places with fear. phil could see it, telling dan every time that he wasn't itching for it.

the same thing happens on their flight home every time phils calls the stewardess. he doesn’t want phil to drink, he wants him to enjoy being sober and being happy while sober. phil taps his shoulder, adjusting his laptop so dan could see as well, and offered him an earbud. monsters inc was up and ready to get watched. he smiled, putting the earbud in his ear and rested the side of his head on his best friend’s shoulder. 

everything seemed to be alright. everything seemed it was going to be alright. 

-

_3\. we become willing to do things differently and make healthy choices in our thoughts, behaviors and actions through various methods. be it suggestions from wise friends, our sponsors, our fathers’ wisdom, our therapists, meditation and the development of our own inner strength and wisdom._

everything was certainly _not_ alright. 

phil is refusing to talk to dan, has been since dan told him to get dressed. they're in the back of an uber and phil’s cross, staring out the window like an angry child. dan keeps telling himself that this is for the best, that if phil wasn't going to get better then he's going to take matters into his own hands. 

he repeated this to himself when he found phil face down in their lounge, vomit surrounding him. _i'm doing this to help phil,_ dan chanted in his head as he turned his best friend. _phil needs help and i will help him._ he held back tears when it looked like phil wasn't breathing, whimpering when he saw his chest rise.

dan’s doing this because the next time he might not make it in time. if phil being pissy with him now will save him in the future, he's taking the risk. 

phil doesn't even know where they're going, but he's angry about it. his hangover this time is worse than any other hangover he's ever had. what he really wants right now is to go to bed and sleep off the headache he's given himself. a normal person doesn't usually go out a night after drinking, phil is like them. he should be in their lounge, nursing himself back to health while dan watched on from the other side of the couch. their routine. he likes their routine. 

when the car stops and dan gets out, phil still can't tell where they are, let alone why. but, once he gets closer to the building, he knew this can't possibly be where dan is taking him. dan must've sensed that he stopped, stopping himself and turning around to face him. 

“it's not what you think, phil.”

“bullshit! i'm not some _alcoholic_!” phil shakes his head, taking a few steps back. “no, i like our routine. i'm not doing whatever they're going to make me do. i'm a fucking adult.” he turns around fully, trying to get away from the building as fast as possible. 

dan catches him anyway, grabbing his right arm and pulling him back. “you could've died this morning. you might not see it, but it's destroying your life. and mine, too. you need help. vidcon was months ago and it's only gotten worse.”

“yeah, it's so has gotten worse.” phil rolls his eyes, laughing. he stops trying to get away, dan takes it as a victory. 

“you haven't posted a main channel video in three months. all the queued gaming videos have been out for two months. you haven't done a liveshow since before vidcon, _five months ago_. phil,” dan sniffles, wiping away a stray tear with his free hand, “it _has_ gotten worse. just go to the meeting. if not for you, for me? i thought you died this morning, you were face down in the lounge and you looked like you weren’t brea-”

dan’s cut off with his own sobs and it breaks phil’s heart to know he's the cause of it. he pulls him into a hug, holding him close and letting him cry into his shoulder. it's only then does phil realize that, shit, his life has been going downhill, hasn't it? he can't remember why this has started, all he knows that it's been years since he's gone a full week without drinking. in the past week, how much has he drank? how has he not died his destructive behavior.

phil’s pulled back when dan is sniffling into his ear, pulling away and wiping away the rest of his tears. he takes in the red rimmed and bloodshot eyes, the bags that are probably from sleepless nights. dan looks thinner, has he not been taking care of himself while worrying about him? the decision has been a long time coming, but it's in this instance that phil decides, yeah, he needs to change. 

“okay, i'll go.”

the smile that broke out onto dan’s face feels like the warmth of the sun, the hug he's engulfed in feels like home. he can do this.

-

he _cannot_ do this. 

“i'm never going back.” 

they're right back where they’ve started, in the back of an uber, phil pouting like a child, and dan desperate to just get through to him. 

“what do you mean you're never going back?” 

“they all looked at me like i shouldn't be there. one person asked me if i was looking for the church group. _and_ it's all faith based. i don't need someone telling me i can replace the beer in my hand with a bible and talk to some imaginary person in the sky.”

dan bites back a response, he mentally curses himself for not doing any further research into AA. he should’ve known it was faith based when they were meeting in a _church_. it should've been obvious. neither of them were really religious people, and he doesn't blame phil for not wanting to go a faith based route to recovery. 

(later, when he does more research into where he should take phil, he finds out that the original 12 step program originated from a guy named bill wilson. he started alcoholics anonymous in 1935 with dr. robert holbrook smith in a city they toured at in ohio. it started as a fellowship, and bill found salvation when a friend told him about why he stopped.

he did more digging, finding a website called _aaagnostic.org_ , having a version of the 12 step program that wasn't faith based, but more of a general guide with the same idea. he dives deeper and is lucky to find one of these groups in london, and he prays when he takes phil there, it'll be a better experience.)

“if i find something else, will you try it?” dan looks across the car, scratching the skin around his right thumb. “please, i'll even make sure they don't mention god or jesus or any god for that matter. you need this more than you know, phil.”

phil lets out a long sigh, moving his eyes to the back of the seat in front of him and, well, progress. “as long as if i don't like it, you'll get off my back about it. okay?”

dan hesitated before agreeing. he's on the computer the moment he gets home. 

(bonus points: he finds a therapist willing to take phil in the next day.)

-

dr. jackson is a lovely woman, very attentive, and apparently very well versed in helping former alcoholics recover. from helping her own wife recover to the hundreds of patients she's seen since, her success rate is near perfect. 

phil intends to break that rate. dan hopes to keep it going. 

phil’s not happy about being woken up at an early hour in order to go to another mysterious place. he’s even angrier when he finds out that dan scheduled him a therapy appointment without his consent. but, in the end, phil’s glad that dan did it. his hands shake still, but he doesn't want to fill them with bottles and get trashed. 

he still does, a day later, after dan took him to a non religious AA meeting, but it helped keep him sober for longer than he could keep himself. 

the new group is something phil likes a lot better than the jesus freaks, as he's decided to call them. they're more accepting, they don't turn him away, and they help him internalize his addiction. they tell him to look into a mirror for ten minutes a day, say to his reflection _“i'm an alcoholic and i need help,”_ and once the words stick, he's ready to join them. it's not a rejection, just a pause on their time together. 

dan is scared the first time he hears it, but, in a weird way, they become comforting. sure, he still finds his best friend in the tub, face down in random places of their duplex, but he's _trying._ it's all he asks for from him. recovery takes time, he tells himself, ironically, also in the mirror. recovery takes time but in the end it all will be worth it.

dan just hopes the words stick to him like phil’s do.

-

_4\. we look at patterns of thought and behavior that don't serve us and keep us angry, depressed, upset, and lead us to drink. when resentments are concerned, acknowledge our part, be it ever so small, so we can empower ourselves to change these patterns and have compassion for others. recognize that interacting with unhealthy people is foolish and causes us harm._

it's been a week and dan hasn't found phil drunk or passed out since his last session with dr. jackson. 

he realizes this when they're in the middle of a rewatch of buffy, his head in phil’s lap while the other cards his fingers through his hair. it’s normal of them, there's no alcohol and they're happy and _phil hasn't been drunk in a week._

it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to dan in a very long time.

“hey, phil?” dan turned his head so he could look up to the other, looking like he were to burst with excitement.

“yeah?” phil doesn’t get his excitement, more upset that he’s no longer playing with dan’s hair. 

“you haven’t drank in a week.”

the realization that crosses phil’s face comes in an instant, the hand that had been playing with dan’s hair comes up to cover his mouth. it’s a small victory, they both know, but it seems bigger than anything. tears are spilling out of phil’s eyes, dan pushes himself up to hug him. he comforts his friend as he cries, knowing the tears are for good reason this time.

small victories, dr. jackson had told dan one day after a session, should be celebrated. it shows growth, it shows that the person is starting to stray from the habit. dan tells phil to get dressed, that they’re going out to mark this milestone. phil’s been sober for one week and, god dammit, dan couldn’t be more proud.

-

the high of being happy for progress doesn’t last long. dan hits rock bottom the following morning after celebrating the week sobriety.

phil’s changed the place he passes out, dan has to give him that. this time, dan finds his best friend face down in their kitchen with glass shards around him. it’s no improvement, and he can’t decide if this is better than the tub. morbidly, dan laughs. he laughs until his laughs turn to sobs and his back is sliding down the kitchen wall. he was going to make them breakfast, to continue their celebration. a proper english breakfast, complete with eggs and toast and their favorite teas. the breakfast is the last thing on his mind when he notices that it’s been awhile since phil has taken a breath.

everything becomes a blur, from the call to the paramedics coming in and taking a lifeless phil out on a stretcher. dan hasn’t even changed out of his pajamas by the time he’s made it to A&E, untamed curls and slippers on his feet as he desperately asks the secretary where in god’s green earth is phil lester? he doesn’t even remembering texting louise, who comes in ten minutes after him in the same shape. they’re told that phil’s unconscious, but still alive, that they’ve had to put him on a monitor so they can better check his oxygen levels. he’s been put on a nasal oxygen tube and dan stops listening after that because he’s back on the ground crying. poor louise has to get the rest of the information before she’s on the ground with him to try and calm him down. 

dan, however, does not calm down and has to be carried to a private waiting room. it takes a half an hour after that before he realizes phil’s parents aren’t here, and he cries even harder. louise manages to get that information out of him in the next hour, taking dan’s phone and making the unfortunate phone call. it’s two and a half hours after arriving to the hospital that dan finally manages to calm down and the nurse tells him he can go see phil. he’s still not conscious, but dan will give anything to be bedside with him right now.

it’s surreal being in the hospital with your friend who just could’ve died and seeing them on a bed hooked up to all kinds of machines. it’s surreal to realize you could’ve lost your best friend and you don’t know how the fuck you could handle it. the room doesn’t seem real, the bed is just some sick sculpture that they put in the room. surely, phil lester, successful youtuber who lives with his best friend, isn’t in this hospital room. it’s all a joke.

(when dr. jackson asks dan about this later, he tells her thinking of phil being in hospital as being a prank was his way to cope. in his mind, if he could convince himself that this was just some cruel prank and not his real life, then he could manage it. he tells her about how he never left the hospital, even if it was for a minute to pop into the bathroom. he tells her about how he never took his eyes off of phil, because what if he looks away and when he looks back, phil’s dead? 

dr. jackson just nods, listening to dan pour his heart out in a session that’s meant for phil but he couldn’t go because he’s still in hospital. she’s impressed that dan could even manage to leave for this. this is the first time he’s left phil’s bedside in a week, and he’s constantly checking his phone to make sure he hasn’t gotten a call. phil’s awake but it’s not him. they won’t release him from the hospital yet, they said his oxygen levels haven’t gotten high enough. dan’s constantly on edge, constantly worrying that his best friend is going to take a turn for the worst.

at the end of the session, when it’s time to schedule a next appointment, dr. jackson schedules two. one for phil, barring he’s out of the hospital by then, and one for dan. she tells him it’s for his own good, that he can’t keep suffering in silence. dan nods mutely, taking the appointment cards and taking a cab back to the hospital.)

-

“what led you to drink, phil?”

it’s been two weeks since phil’s been released from hospital. he looks up from the fidget toy he’s been playing with at his therapist, a puzzled look on his face. “what do you mean?”

“when people have some sort addiction, there has always been a source to why they started. most times, people say it’s been a way to cope with something that soon got out of hand, spiralling into addiction. others just leapt from one addiction to another. so, tell me, what led you to start drinking the way you do now?”

dr. jackson is learning forward in her chair now, looking at phil with that look that she knows will work. phil knows exactly what led to him drinking. dan would probably know, too, if he paid close enough attention.

“it really all started in 2012. there had been this video that got leaked due to some glitch and it made dan really mad. we would fight for days on end, if you look back at our videos back then you could tell something was just off. there had been this one really bad fight, dan had slammed his door in my face and something just snapped, i don’t know. i grabbed my wallet and went to the nearest pub, ended up going home with someone. the next morning i didn’t go home, i didn’t even have my phone on me. the next night, did the same thing, got trashed and went home with someone, and for at least another three nights after that.”

“what made you go home?”

phil laughs. “ran out of money, if i’m being honest. when i got home, i told dan it was because i missed him, when truth was i hadn’t thought about him in days. it’s cruel, i know, but i could tell he hadn’t slept since the fight. i didn’t want him knowing he wasn’t the real reason i came home.”

dr. jackson is writing things down, the silence that follows is filled by her pen against paper. phil’s never said it outloud before, what caused him to start drinking. he had been avoiding the subject of being an alcoholic for years that saying the _cause_ , it finally hit him.

phil’s an alcoholic and he needs help.

“what made you continue to do this?”

that’s not an easy answer. the real answer is phil doesn’t know why he continued to keep drinking, why he kept turning to the bottle instead of a friend. he has theories as to why he kept drinking, but none of them were concrete answers.

he tells a theory instead of leaving the question left in the air.

“my internet persona has always been this innocent twenty-something, you know? dan had had the luxury of being the more sarcastic but obviously depressed person so he always felt better about sharing his struggles. he’s way more emotionally vulnerable than me.” phil takes a shaky deep breath, when had he started crying? “i felt like i couldn’t share anything, that i had to be the strong one who had his shit together. so i guess drinking became the person i would run to when i had problems.”

“and when the problems stopped?”

“the problems never stopped, but by the time i learned that i could actually go to someone, my hands would start shaking. i couldn’t go too long without having a drink, so it started like that. i would have a drink or two when my hands would shaking really bad, just to sate them. one or two drinks turned into me getting completely trashed and waking up in random places.”

phil has silent tears running down his face by the time he’s done telling his story, can barely pay attention as dr. jackson tells him that this pattern of behavior is dangerous, like he doesn’t already know. their time is up, but she tells him in the next session they’ll talk more about his alcoholism. when he greets dan in the lobby, he tells him that he’s ready to go back to the group.

in the empty lobby, dan hugs him incredibly close and starts crying again. phil knows that he has to get better for him, more importantly, he has to get better for dan.

without dan, he’d be dead.


	2. part two: yeah, we got a lot at stake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil has alcoholism and dan's desperate to get him better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told myself i'd take my time on writing this, but apparently i don't listen. trigger warning for this chapter includes alcohol (obviously) and mentions of self harm. the self harm section is very minor but if you want to skip it, the section starts with a *. there's also a bit of smut in here, so there's that. i'd like to thank whoever will see that i played i won't give up a lot while writing this chapter and the creator of google because i've never drank and i know little to nothing about alcohol. this entire fic can just be chalked up to google, you go guys. work and chapter title are both from "i won't give up" by jason mraz.
> 
> xx. oliver

the journey on the road to recovery is never an easy one. it’s filled with tears, setbacks, even more tears than you think your body can handle, and words that can never be unsaid. this goes for all kinds of recoveries, not just addictions but also self destructing habits. when in recovery, people often try to find something to fill that void. switching that bottle of beer to a bible, the razor to a paintbrush. one addiction is almost always transferred over to a new one, one that won’t harm the person or the people around them.

the untold horrors of recovery is also, dan realizes, something that the articles he’s been reading never seem to mention. the constant anxiety of worrying whether or not the person is going to relapse, the sleepless nights that are filled with tears, the days where everything feels like it’s going to fall apart. the articles, dan finds, seem to glorify these addictions, romanticize them in such a way that people who have no idea about the real truth is won’t know. 

he stops himself fifteen articles in on one night, closing the tab. spotify is playing gentle music in the background, his door slightly ajar. phil didn’t drink tonight, something that has been happening more often. his hands still shake, dan holds them while they’re in private to try and calm his nerves. it never works, but he still does it anyways. somewhere, in his best friend, is the man he fell in love with years ago, and he’d do anything to help him get better. even if it meant sacrificing his own mental health to do so.

dan finds himself in the bathroom not long after, the bags under his eyes more prominent than ever. his shirt’s off, a rare occurrence nowadays, and dan can see them. the little white scars that scatter around his stomach, fresher red ones there as well. he had dropped the habit after phil convinced him to. the new scars only came at a moment of weakness two nights ago, when the same feelings that led him to start came back and he doesn’t remember picking up the blade but he does. he cried once he realizes his relapse, waking up phil in the process. roles were reversed, and dan never wants it to happen again.

nobody truly understands what it’s like to have an addiction until they get one themselves. and that’s why dan has to help phil.

-

_5\. reflect on these patterns, discuss them with someone if necessary and fully acknowledge that these things harm us and cannot continue._

phil was terrified, to say the least.

dr. jackson had convinced him to tell dan about how this all started, and he thinks it’s a horrible idea. she said that they can do it during their session, which is fine, but phil still thinks this will not end well. 

what he’s worried about is how dan’s going to react when he finds out that he’s _technically_ part of the reason why he started drinking.

dan has had his own struggles, he remembers very clearly the skype call where he saw this poor eighteen year old with red rimmed eyes, shaky breaths, and a bare torso that showed off all the scars he tried to hide. he hates himself for burdening dan with his own problems, for letting him get so worked up that he, too, has to go to therapy. phil will never forgive himself for what he's done to dan, he's surprised that the other is still there. 

his hands are shaking and he can't tell if it's because it's been two weeks since he’s drank anything or if it's from nerves, but dan reaches out regardless. it's become comforting, something phil can look forward to when it gets bad. it's become his motivation, to feel the warmth of dan’s hands around his, to suddenly go from anxious to calm just because of his best friend. he can't describe it, but he loves what it does it him. 

dan holding his hands are part of the reason he's gone this long without alcohol. 

phil jumps when his name gets called, the warmth of dan’s hands gone now and he feels cold inside. he gets up, frozen in place. _he can't know. he’ll just blame himself,_ phil berates himself. _i can't do this. i can't keep going, i just need it. i just need it so bad right n-_

fingers entangle with his own, and all the bad thoughts stop for a minute. he visibly relaxes, his shoulders slumping and the breath he has been holding releases. he can do this, he's gotten this far. he can't mess up now. 

-

phil, for the love of all that is holy and true, cannot _fucking_ do this. he's gone and fucked it all up. 

dan isn't talking to him, has refused to talk to him since the session ended. he tried asking if they should take an uber or a cab home, but after asking for what feels like forever, he just calls an uber. it's the same scene from when they went to the first AA meeting, except this time it's dan who's the pissy one, who is refusing to look at phil or even speak to him. he keeps trying to tell him it's not his fault, and it isn't! he's not the one who kept going to the bottle and not his friend. he's not the one who had gotten hospitalized from drinking too much. 

dan’s not the one trying to beat the addiction, it's phil. dan beat his a long time ago. 

they get home and dan stomps up into their home, and phil can't move from the pavement. he's staring at their home, staring at what is supposed to _be_ their home but it doesn't feel like it used to. they haven't had a home together since manchester, way before phil took to the bottle and would disappear at random times of the night. they live together, but it's dan’s home, not phil’s. his stuff is just there, he hasn't lived since manchester. 

dan knows it, phil knows it. if they fans could see how they are, they would know it. everything’s shit and it's all his fault. 

his feet are moving down the pavement before phil even knows it. 

it's second nature, even having moved, phil could tell you directions to the nearly liquor store is less than a minute. he can't help it at this point, his first thought is to get drunk, forget, for god's sake, don't drink enough to land yourself in the hospital again. everything in his life has always ended up with that fucking alcohol in his hand and his life going down the toilet. his parents don't even know how bad it's gotten, dan does and probably louise as well. 

phil stops halfway to the store when he falls onto a park bench and cries. he cries and cries until a sweet old lady asks him if he's alright and _god,_ he probably looks so pathetic right now. he nods without meaning, he's not alright, not even close. but he can't upset this old lady, he can't make someone else sad because of his pathetic life. 

“are you sure?” he hears and he almost freezes. the old lady isn't supposed to care, she's just supposed to ask him and then go on her merry way, be someone’s grandma in another part of town. “you don't look okay.”

phil wipes his eyes, finally shaking his head. “i'm pretty sure i messed things up with my flatmate. but it's fine, i'll figure something out.”

“how long have you been rooming with this person?”

“6 years.”

the old lady is stunned into silence, and phil’s honestly not that surprised. they get that a lot, from friends to family to even their own fans. friends move out, not together, but they've never been normal anyway. 

“well, if he's been with you for that long, what makes you think he'll just up and leave you?”

phil’s the one who's quiet now, bouncing his leg as he stared at the ground. she's right, really. he's had this, this _thing_ for years now, and dan has never left his side. not once. despite him having all the reason to never resign the lease, look at flats with him, still live with him. he never left his side in hospital, he's the one who got him a therapist. he's the reason why he hasn't drank in nearly two weeks. 

it's his own fault for even thinking about breaking it. 

his train of thoughts is broken by a hand on his knee, and it's the old lady, smiling at him. “go back home, sonny. i'm sure your flatmate is worried sick about you.” she winks at him, probably thinking that his flatmate is just code word for something else. “go on! time isn't moving any faster. maybe you could get your boy some flowers. they always cheered me up.”

phil nods, getting up from the bench and thanking the kind stranger for her time before continuing onto the nearest shop. his hands still shake, they’re shaking even worse after his breakdown. he cannot come home with alcohol, that will just make everything worse than it already is. it takes four trips around the store before phil could even stop his mind from thinking about the sweet release of his choice of drug and actually grab something dan will hopefully like.

to stop any other impulse he might have, once stepping out of the store, he orders another uber. when the driver asks about his hands, he lies and says it’s nerves, that he’s on his way to a date. the driver seems to accept this answer, staying quiet for the rest of the drive, wishing phil luck when he drops him off. he needs all the luck he can get at this point, having getting yelled at via text from louise and texts from pj asking why dan is a mess. 

he needs all the luck because he’s pretty sure he’s fucked up.

(everything in the end is fine, which didn’t seem like it was at first. when dan had opened the door, he broke down in tears and phil was terrified he had done something wrong. it wasn’t that, dan was scared shitless that phil would be coming back with six packs of beer with plans of getting trashed. instead, dan was greeted with two kinder eggs, a small plush bear, a bouquet of hyacinths and tulips, and a very nervous phil. a phil who wasn’t intoxicated, or holding beer, and seemed to have his shit together.

in other words, the tears dan were crying were tears of joy. he wasn’t expecting this, after months and months of having to tend to a friend battling addiction, seeing that friend show up with something other than that is a nice change of pace. the therapy session is not forgotten, no, he still needs to process that, but it isn’t that important now. he’s just happy that he was getting his phil back. _his phil_ , someone he hasn’t seen since 2011.

after the tears have passed, dan gets up off the ground, hugging phil close. he’s mumbling things into phil’s ear, but he can’t be bothered to listen right now. all he cares about is that he hasn’t fucked up, he still has dan and dan still has him. maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.

they still have a long journey ahead of them, but the bump in the road from tonight doesn’t feel as big as it did.)

-

_6\. we become willing to surrender these negative patterns of thought, behavior, and actions, including drinking or other addiction behavior, unhealthy romantic entanglements with douchebags, unhealthy job settings, and unhealthy people._

it's been six weeks since phil’s encountering with the old lady, and his hands haven't stop shaking since. 

he hasn't drank in nearly two months, and he can slowly feel his grips on reality slipping. he can't tell if it's because he hasn't been drunk or if he's actually losing his mind right now. 

it's also been six weeks since dan’s had a major relapse, and that's all his fault. 

phil can't stop his mind from overthinking, can't stop his hands shaking and just can't do anything. he's afraid to do a liveshow because the fans will know something's wrong, and he hasn't posted anything in months. it's all because he's scared, his mind stuck in a loop of trying not to flip out on itself to even pick up a camera. he doesn't know how he's made convention appearances, doesn't know how the fuck he keeps living, doesn't know how he can make his hands stop shaking. 

they're in the lounge, some random program on the television that neither are particularly caring for. phil’s sitting on his hands and dan’s as far away on the couch as possible. it's not the first time this has happened. ever since that night, they've been too afraid to touch the other. phil’s hands only stop shaking for even a minute when dan’s holding them, his mind only stops when he can feel dan pressed up against him on the couch like they're together and everything is calm. 

they're not together, nowhere near getting together, and phil's slowly going insane. 

(he doesn't tell dan, but he hasn't seen dr. jackson since that appointment. every week, when he's due to have the session, phil leaves their home and goes to a local bar. it's a test of his self restraint, he gets as far as asking for a coke before his time is up and he needs to go home. 

it's tempting fate at this point, he knows the longer he puts this off, the worse it'll be in the end. he doesn't go to the meetings anymore, can't face those hippie fuckers when all he can think about is how he's failed both him and dan. his best friend’s relapse is all his fault, he's the one who left to go get beer, he's the one going to fuel his addiction. dan needed him and he was halfway to tesco, only thinking of himself. 

phil’s selfish, only thinking about himself and his recovery and not anyone else. he deserves whatever is coming to him.)

-

the next time phil leaves for an “appointment”, he ends up at louise’s door blubbering like an idiot. 

he feels weak, the doorbell had just finished chiming when tears start to well up in his eyes. the door opens and he’s starting to sob, crashing down on the front porch and he can't stop saying how he's gone and fucked everything up. louise manages to get him in the house, telling darcy to go play in her room, and brings him to the couch. she makes him tea without even asking, leaving phil to try and catch his breath on the couch. 

it's ten minutes after he's calmed himself down that louise breaks the silence. “what made you come here?”

phil takes off his glasses and tosses them on the coffee table, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “supposed to be at therapy, usually i go to a bar and tempt myself. this time, i don't know, something made me come here.”

“how long has it been since you've gone?”

“7 weeks, it's been over two months since i've drank.”

louise makes a small noise of cheering, laughing lightly. “why haven't you gone?”

phil shrugs. “been too afraid. last time i went, i told dan about what made me start drinking and then he refused to talk to me afterwards. would’ve drank that night if it weren't for this old lady,” he blindly reaches for the cup of tea, louise hands it to him. he just needs his hands to stop moving. “dan had… had a pretty major relapse that night. s’all my fault. instead of following him inside, i started going to the store. it was a knee jerk reaction, really. i got halfway there before i was sitting on a bench, crying my heart out to this sweet old lady.”

louise keeps quiet, looking down at her stomach as she rubs her hands over it. she's used to being the mum friend, even with being a mum herself, but this isn't something that mum friends take care of. mum friends usually just make sure nobody dies or everyone is fed. they don't talk down one friend from the ledge because they can't go to a therapy session anymore. 

“you know how i have darcy?” she breaks the silence, phil looking over in her general direction, nodding. “and now i have a darcy bean on the way. and sometimes, i'm just tired of everything. just so tired i wish that i could stop being an adult and have no worries, you could even say that i've thought about dying too much than i should.” this catches phil off guard, quickly swapping the tea for his glasses. “but you know why i keep going? because of darcy, and now darcy bean.” louise pats her stomach, laughing to herself. “they need me, they keep me going. they can't have a dead mum. dead mums can't do much.”

“i'm sorry, but what has this got to do with anything?”

“the point, phil, is that dan got better because you needed him. sure, he got a therapist and he did all that for a while, but he got better because you needed him alive more than dead. he can do things because he has you. why are you trying to get better?”

phil sighs. “because there was an intervention and i realized i had a problem.”

“who put the intervention on?”

he doesn't understand where any of this is going, but he decides to continue to play into her game. “dan did. what does thi-”

“dan needs you. he can't do much with a dead phil. he needs an alive phil. your reason for getting better, besides the obvious, is dan needs you. you both need each other more than i've ever seen anyone need someone. and you can't get better without going back to therapy.”

phil’s silent, looking down to his lap. he knows the first part to be true, at least. dan’s told him before that if it weren't for him, he'd be dead. he's not so sure about the latter. it's true, they've incredibly codependent on the other, they constantly text each other once they're apart. but he wouldn't sa- you know what? yeah, he needs dan. he needs dan like he needed alcohol and like he needs oxygen. he just simply _cannot live_ without dan. 

after about the time phil needs to leave like he's coming back from therapy, the tears are all gone. his hands shake a little less, and he feels more alive than the alcohol has ever made him. he still hasn't found something to replace the bottle, but he's take a step in the right direction. 

in the uber ride home, he calls up dr. jackson, scheduling an appointment for the next week. he checks when the next time the AA meeting meets again, reminding himself to go. he takes a deep breath before he calls the doctor to schedule an appointment, the anxiety of what the alcohol has done to his body more present than ever. his reason to get better is his fans, his family, and his dan. 

-*

dan hugs phil close when he gets home, crying into his shoulder and mumbling out constant apologies. phil’s confused, hugging back not as tightly. he doesn't understand the apologies, if anything, he's the one who should be apologizing to dan. 

it's when dan pulls away, and there's bandages around his arms, blood seeping through. dan’s not even looking at him, he's looking anywhere that isn't phil. he doesn't understand, why would dan relapse? what made him go back?

“it was a moment of weakness,” he barely heard dan speak over the blood pounding in his ears. “i-i had just been so worried, y’know? and then dr. jackson told me how you haven't been to therapy in nearly two months and it was just all my fault! if i hadn't freaked out, you'd still be getting better.”

phil pulls dan back into him, letting the younger cry into his shoulder again. _this is my fault. if i hadn't left, he wouldn't have done this._ he cooes in dan’s ear, telling him it's not his fault and that everything will be okay. everything has to be okay. 

(it's in this moment, phil thinks back later, that it's obvious. he has to get better. he can't keep going on like he had been. he needs to be there for dan, he can't let him down.)

-*

_7\. we take the necessary action to change these maladaptive patterns, to end unhealthy relationships and continue to take action that leads us to sobriety, sanity, and wellness._

“this is the last time i will get drunk.”

dan’s staring at him, looking between phil’s face and the six pack in his hand. “what do you mean? you don't know that.”

phil sighs, setting down the case. “no, i know that. this is the last time i'm getting drunk somewhat _willingly_.”

“i'm not following.”

“so i bought a six pack,” phil gestures to the ground, the elephant in the room it seems. “i could've easily bought two - almost did, but i didn't. and this will be the last time i get drunk.” he stands there like he should be proud of the fact he's about to get trashed. “or, at least this is the last time i will get drunk, barring i don't relapse in the future.”

dan nods slowly, still not seeming to get it. “and why am i here?”

“oh that's easy. you're going to cut me off.”

the words hang in the air for a moment, something inside of dan tightens. he always hides when phil gets drunk, the video about the types of drunk people was sort of inspired by the beginning stages of phil’s drinking. phil has always been a sexual drunk, he learned that the hard way one night when the older practically forced himself onto him. nothing happened, luckily, dan was far too sober to let him go any further than palming at his dick. but since then, he's made it a rule that he wouldn't be in the same room when phil gets drunk. 

he's hesitant about it, he doesn't like the idea. yeah, it's been 5 years since the incident, things can change. it still doesn't make dan feel any better about it. in the end, he nods, because phil doesn't remember what happened. all he knows is that dan hid from him the next day, crying in his bedroom. he doesn't want to make this more awkward than it needs to be. 

-

phil is four beers in when dan cuts him off. he tried doing it after the first one, but phil shook his head. 

“you don't cut someone off after their first beer.”

“you do if they have alcoholism, phil.”

dan’s also drinking, somehow, he doesn't know it happened. he’s on his second one, and already he regrets it. he's slightly buzzed, the foreign feeling of alcohol already making him a bit tipsy. he hasn't drank since 2013, new year's day, swearing off of it in light of phil’s budding activity. he had a sip of their cocktails at the tatinof party, but those were off of phil’s drink. 

the point is, he's buzzed and phil is reaching for the bottle of vodka he brought out. he swipes at his hand, giggling and leaning into phil. “nooo, you can't. you're cut off.” he laughs louder, like being cut off is the most hilarious joke in the world. 

phil looks back at dan, slightly mad. he forgotten that he told him about cutting him off. he doesn't want to _stop_ , and, well, that's his problem. he's never known when to stop, the booze never felt enough. now he's only half as drunk as he normally is, a giggly dan is leaning against him, and his eyes are stuck on his lips. 

fuck, dan’s got the most beautiful lips he's ever seen. he's thought that since their first skype sessions, nearly kissed him when they met, still doesn't know why he hasn't done that. in his mind, he can't think of any reason _not_ to. they look soft despite being chapped, and he wants to fucking kiss the _shit_ out of them. 

so, fuck it, he does.

or dan beats him to it.

something happens, and dan is on top of phil on their couch, their lips are connected, they're both at different stages of being drunk, and they both don't know why they haven't done his sooner. 

phil’s hands are creeping up dan’s back while his are around his jaw. dan’s straddling him, he's making small noises that into his mouth and it's by far the hottest thing they've ever done.

it gets even hotter when he feels dan grinding against him and lets out a moan that becomes music to his ears. he slips his hands up dan’s chest, pulling his shirt with it. somehow, he gets the hint, which wasn't even his intended purpose, but hey. there's a shirtless dan on top of him, grinding on his dick, so he really can't complain much. 

he manages to flip them around on the couch, how he could in his drunken state, he has no idea, and he goes straight to dan’s chest. his hands run up and down his sides, mouth kissing and biting different spots on his chest that make dan whine. his hips buck up, missing the friction of rutting up against phil. really, though, how the hell have they not done this before?

phil pulls away, taking off his shirt as well. dan’s chest is littered with marks, he's squirming against the couch, too lost in some kind of headspace to even care, it seems like. he's more drunk than dan, the latter hasn't drank in the longest time, and are they supposed to be doing this?

the answer is yes, of course. phil didn't get a boner for no fucking reason. 

he pulls dan up, sitting back on the couch properly and letting him settle into his lap. the younger already looks like he's ten seconds away from cumming, and honestly he feels the same. neither has been with anyone since before they met, and phil doesn’t always get off when he's drunk out of his ass. he can't even remember the last time he's gotten off. 

dan pushes back phil’s fringe, giggling as he leaned back in to recapture their lips. it started out as sweet and caring, before both of them remembered their dicks, and dan started to grinding down on him again. his fingers are pulling at phil’s hair, his hands are wrapped around dan’s ass. they're both moaning, or dan’s moaning and phil thinks he is, and it seems like years later when they're both cumming. he'd berate them for cumming in their pants like teenagers, but he also doesn't give a fuck. they practically had sex, right on their couch.

the kisses slow down until they're nothing but small pecks shared between the two sparingly. phil has his eyes open, but dan doesn't. he pushes the hair off of dan’s forehead, leaning up to kiss it and he hears him hum in content. he doesn't know if either of them will remember this tomorrow, but god, he hopes they do. 

-

phil’s boxers are sticky and he can't remember why until he sees a shirtless dan in the kitchen with marks and faded scars all over his chest. 

they both freeze when they see each other, and phil couldn’t breathe. _no,_ he thought, _fuck, we didn’t._

dan, meanwhile, is freaking out. it happened again, he feels dirty. he feels used. he let his guard down, he drank when he should've been sober to take care of phil. instead, they had sex. or at least something like sex and he wants to die on the inside. 

“are we going to avoid it?” dan’s voice is small, soft, and it makes phil jump. “it shouldn't have happened, phil. i was drunk, you were drunk. i-”

“i don't regret it, okay?” phil runs his hand through his hair, closing his eyes. “if you're going to tell me that you regret, fine. i probably deserve it after all the hell i've put you through. but i don't regret it. i only regret being drunk while it happened.”

dan’s stunned into silence, not expecting the response from phil. what does he mean he doesn't regret it? phil’s never had feelings for him. he's never shown any interest in him. or at least he's never done it sober. when he saw the marks, he pretended like they were together, completely in love and phil just couldn't help himself. except they're not in love and phil regrets last night and is trying to save face. 

he doesn't know he's crying until his face is in phil’s chest. he's actually sobbing and it makes phil feel worse about what happened. it's his fault, he shouldn't have made dan cut him off. he should've just cut himself off, like he's always done. then his best friend wouldn't be crying into his chest, and he wouldn't feel so guilty. 

it's a bad choice, but phil kisses the side of dan’s head, mumbles how everything will be fine in his ear. how day one of his new, sober life starts now, how everything happened because of him. 

phil understands louise now, dan does need him. the way he's clinging to him is evident enough, and now he realizes how much he needs dan. not just as a friend, or just a business partner, but as his partner. whether that be platonic or not, he needs dan to be a constant in his life.

-

they're in a doctor's office, and phil's terrified to hear the news. his hands are shaking, his leg is bouncing in his chair. dan’s there with him, he's holding his hand and it's the only thing that's keeping him grounded. 

the doctor had just finished running tests, and they haven't been back for nearly ten minutes. phil’s freaking out, he's trying not to show it but he is. he's glad dan’s there to hold his hand, to tell him everything’s going to be alright when he knows it won't be. they still haven't talked about what they are, but he's glad that they've both put it aside for this appointment. 

when the doctor comes in, phil jumps, his hand squeezes dan’s harder, and his leg stills. he freezes, unintentionally tuning out what the doctor had to say. he can't face the truth, he just can't. his eyes squeeze shut and he leans forward and back, forward and back. 

the doctor doesn't seemed to phased by it, from what dan can tell, but he's losing circulation for his left hand. he starts to shake him, telling him he needs to listen. 

“any questions?” phil finally hears, looking up to the doctor. 

“about what?”

“the treatment for your alcoholic hepatitis.”

oh. that. 

“how long does the treatment take?”

“we have a special diet we’ll be putting him on, i'll give the information when we give you your discharge papers. we’ll also give you your prescriptions.”

dan furrows his brows. “for what?”

“well, one is a steroid, which is to help treat the hepatitis. the other is an antibiotic.”

phil lifts his head. he didn't just have the alcoholic hepatitis? “why do i need an antibiotic?”

“you also have gastritis, which is just stomach inflammation. it's nothing big to worry about. the antibiotics should take care of it. you're incredibly lucky that this is all you've got after so many years of drinking. they're both very curable.”

the doctor stays and answers more of their - dan’s - questions, telling them that a nurse will be in soon to give them the paperwork. once the door’s closed, phil wraps his arms around dan, crying into his shoulder. _it could've been worse,_ he thinks, clinging harder to his best friend. _i’m incredibly lucky._

(dan never lets go of phil’s hand, not when the nurse comes back in, not on the drive to the pharmacy, not even when they get back home. 

“i'm in this,” he tells phil, wiping away a tear with his thumb. “i haven't left you at since this started. that's a good sign, yeah? besides, you never left me when i was this bad. how could i leave you?”

phil smiles, looking down at the ground and leaning his head into dan’s shoulder. they're hands are still together, they haven't drifted apart, and dan’s still here with him. he leans back up to kiss dan on the lips, tightening his fingers around his. he gets a squeeze back, he hears a laugh. 

they're giddy and high on each other, they can't even separate when they go to bed. phil’s bed has a special visitor. nothing happens except lips become more red, fingers go exploring, and lungs are filled with laughter. 

phil’s still in search of his new alcohol, but dan howell is a pretty good substitute for right now.)

-

_8\. we make a list of persons we harmed and become willing to make amends with them._

**cat**

**tyler**

**pj**

**chris**

**louise**

**dan**

“have you made your list, phil?” a girl with green hair asks him - he thinks her name is andrea. he nods, showing off the list. “that's your list?”

“yeah, why?”

andrea shrugs, showing him her list and, wow, what the fuck has she done. “a lot of people here have longer lists.”

it's phil’s turn to shrug, looking down his list. “don't have a lot of friends. haven’t wronged a lot of people.” he points to chris’s name. “i barely even talk to him and that's all alcohol right there.”

she laughs, even though they both know there's nothing funny about it. “damn, i wish i had your anti social life, youtube. make my list a hell of a lot easier.”

he laughs, folding up his paper. the meeting’s leader is calling everyone back, phil and andrea joke around as they walked back to the circle. group was going great for him. today he celebrated 3 months sober, and while it's not a lot, the group cheered. it made him happy, he couldn't wait until the next month to get the same reaction. 

-

**_chris & pj_ **

the decision to do chris and pj at the same time came after he got off a skype call with tyler. it would be easier, the two of them were still quite close and he didn't want one to tell the other about him. 

they were sitting in a starbucks, dan holding one hand to keep it from shaking. chris awkwardly takes a sip of his coffee, he has reason to be upset with phil. he dropped him, yet he remained friends with pj. well, he barely remained friends with pj, and that's thanks to dan. dan’s the one who got them both to come.

“you're probably wondering why you're here,” phil starts, looking down at his drink. “it's because of… it's because of the alcohol.”

neither of the two say anything, both are actually  
shocked. chris didn't know anything about the alcohol while pj had an inkling. it was obvious neither knew the extent, but chris could figure that this had a reason to be the reason, not because of something he did. 

“i'm…” phil squeezes his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. “i'm a recovering alcoholic. it's been going on since 2012. it just kept getting worse and worse and i didn't start getting help until after vidcon last year, maybe like august. but i am getting better.”

dan nods, bumping his arm against phil’s to try and get him to open his eyes. he doesn’t, but he continues for him. “he really has, there had been a time where he wasn't. but he's really been getting better. he just celebrated being three months sober not too long ago. what he's asking f-”

“what i'm asking for is your forgiveness,” phil finally lifts his head and looks directly at chris. “i stopped talking to you because alcohol became more important. and i regret it every day. you have every right to tell me to fuck off, but i'm asking you to forgive me.” he looks over at pj. “i'm only still somewhat friends with you because of dan, and he had been adamant of trying to keep both of you in my life. he only managed you, unfortunately, but both of you. please.”

in the middle of his small speech, he brought their conjoined hands on the table. he didn't mean to, it had just happened. chris notices it first, staring down at their hands while phil talked. “when did that happen?”

“the day of phil’s doctor’s appointment. it just happened. celebrated the three month anniversary of that the other day.” dan shrugs, pulling their hands back under the table. 

“has he really been getting better?” pj asks, looking over at dan. chris does as well, resting his hands underneath his chin. 

dan nods quickly. “oh, yes. he would've been sober for five months if he hadn't decided to get drunk one last time. but he hasn't touched a drink since. honest.”

“what did the doctors say?”

“he had stomach inflammation and alcoholic hepatitis. both have since gone away, they say he's extremely lucky for only coming out of this with only those two things.”

“why are you holding his hand?”

“my hands shake real bad. usually happens when my body really craves it. also just shakes in general now. people at my group say that it goes away eventually.”

this goes on for hours, pj and chris take turns firing off questions and they always have an answer. they've prepared from doing cat and tyler before this, knowing what he should expect. in the end, chris is still hesitant but pj is ready to forgive. chris says it'll take time, that he needs to prove himself first. but it's better than nothing, and phil accepts the hugs from them. 

four down. two to go.

-

**_louise_ **

louise had just put the baby down for a nap when phil and dan arrive at her door. she invites them in quickly, dan immediately going off to play with darcy. they agreed that he would do this one alone.

she knew what was coming, she had done her own research and figured when they asked, it was time to make amends. phil begins to go into his speech, he asks for her forgiveness and louise immediately gives it. she places her hand over phil’s and squeezes it, smiling. 

“i knew it was coming. i just didn't know i'd be on the list,” louise joked, taking a sip of tea. 

phil does the same, his hands not as shaky as they had been. “had to put you on there. i don't know how many times either dan or i called you or came over and just broke down. i had to make it up to you somehow.”

she waves her hand. “no, you didn't have to give me a speech about how you're here to ask for forgiveness. i'm just happy that you're getting better.”

“i feel better.”

“you _look_ better. god, i remember how horrible you looked at the intervention. dan had talked about how bad you looked, but it didn't seem real until you saw it in person.”

phil blushed, looking down at the mug of tea. he had started looking back on pictures of him during the years, and he looked horrible. like, damn, who murdered him and brought him back to life? getting better meant he started to look better, and the fans definitely noticed as well.

he doesn't realize he's staring at dan until louise points it out. “you're in love with him, yeah?”

“what?” he shakes his head, trying to get his thoughts straight. 

“you, dan. in love. kissy, gross stuff that nicholas sparks writes about.”

“oh,” phil pauses, looking over to where dan is again. he's been playing with darcy this whole time and all phil can think about is how he can't wait for him to be a dad. “yeah. i think i am.”

louise smiles. “good. he's in love with you, too. told you he needed you. ” 

phil nods, leaning his face against his hand. he's very much in love with dan. if he were good at it, he'd write sonnets about his eyes, about how his laugh always makes his day, about how good he sounds in bed. he'd go full nicholas sparks, write an entire story about how he overcame his alcoholism and got together with the one he loves most. 

“he's going to be a good dad.”

“i can't wait to see it.” 

louise joins him in watching dan and darcy, only to get interrupted by a baby crying. they wait until they get to see the newest little one before leaving. phil kisses dan square on the mouth before their car arrives, causing the younger to blush and look around. 

“what was that for?”

“just wanted to.”

five down. one to go. 

-

**_dan_ **

out of all the people on his list, he purposely left dan for last because he knew he'd be the hardest. 

phil knows that dan’s already forgiven him, has had since the day they started dating. but he didn't feel right without doing it properly. 

they're at home, chinese takeaway on their coffee table and they're all snuggled up on the couch. _moana_ plays on their tv, dan’s playing with phil’s hair, and honestly, he's never felt so calm. the past six years have been filled with a lot. he's somehow managed to get over the huge hump of beating his alcoholism, and it's all thanks to dan. he's the one who got him to a therapist, got him to a group, and never gave up on him. 

“hey,” phil mumbles, pushing dan’s hand out of his hair. “forgive me.”

“you know i already do.”

“no, just. let me do this.” phil pushed himself up off of dan, sitting back on his heels. “you're the one who i wronged the most. you're the one who had to pick me up every time i fell. out of all my friends, you're the one who suffered the most. there's no amount of apologies that would make up for that. and you have no reason to accept my apology, or even forgive me. just…”

“just what?” now dan was worried, leaning in closer. 

“i love you, okay? i love you a lot and the fact i'm the one who's caused all this heartache and your relapses a-” 

phil starts crying and dan surges forward to hold him. he shushes him, rocking them back and forth. the film is still playing, giving them something to listen to instead of stark silence. 

it takes a while for phil to calm down, and by then the film is over, stuck on the netflix screen. he pulls away from dan, wiping away the last remaining tears. “i'm a recovering alcoholic, and i'm asking for your forgiveness.”

dan starts to tear up, being on the receiving end of the words is different than just hearing being said to someone else. he nods, leaning forward to kiss phil before hugging him close again. they just hold onto each other, shaking breathing filling the room. they were going to be okay, they've gotten this far. they can go even further. 

(the next therapy session phil goes to, dan joins him. they talk about the list, the meeting up and calling people and asking for their forgiveness. dr. jackson asked how it went, and phil squeezes dan’s knee and says well. 

she tells them about how much they've improved since their first visit, and how proud she is of them. they're nowhere near done with therapy, phil feels like he never will be. but the praise makes his heart feel full. he thanks her, dan thanks her, and they leave the office hand in hand, not caring if fans saw. 

they're in a crowded bus when phil kisses dan, and the younger blushes. he mumbles a scolding, but doesn't let go of phil's hand.

phil thinks he's found his new alcohol. and his name is dan howell.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please know that you are loved, that you can beat whatever you are fighting. you can do this. everyone believes in you.


	3. i see that you've come so far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil has alcoholism and dan's desperate to get him better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thankfully doab got a good reaction and now everyone knows why this had gotten put on hold. hi, welcome back to the third and final part of cause even the stars they burn. i never thought this fic would become one of my favorites, nor did i think that i could accurately write alcoholism or any addiction never having been addicted to anything. for full disclosure, i don't do any drugs (including weed) and i don't drink alcohol of any kind. i'm so happy it's gotten the reaction that it has, and i couldn't be more proud of this. thank you all for the support. once again, work and chapter title are from "i won't give up" by jason mraz. enjoy.
> 
> xx oliver

sobriety after alcoholism, ironically, is kind of like that sobriety test the police make you take when they pull you over for suspected drunk driving. they make you walk a straight line without stumbling, following a finger without moving your head, touch your finger to your nose, recite your abc’s backwards. because, really, who can even do that sober?

 

the point is that it's a struggle. when intoxicated, your mind is so clouded that you can't seem to focus on the task at hand. it's the same thing when you're trying to come off of any addiction, really. they want you to be on the straight and narrow, _no more drugs, no more alcohol,_ they say it like it's the easiest thing in the world. the minute you step off that line, twitch your head, miss your nose by a hair, say m instead of n, they call you on it. they put the handcuffs on you and you're sitting in a jail with someone who just _murdered an entire family for no fucking reason_ and it's all because you messed up.

 

the argument there is you shouldn't have been driving in the first place. you knew that you were going to get under the influence, so yeah, you messed up, but it's your fault. it's common sense, you shouldn't drive drunk. but it's hard sometimes to not to when that's all you've been doing for years. you get into the routine of driving while intoxicated and then one day you hurt someone, or you don't. something may have snapped in you to make the change, and now you're trying to drive sober. now trying to completely quit your habit cold turkey does mean people can mess up, and sometimes those mess ups can end you up in a holding cell next to a child abuser and a murderer.

 

phil learns all this the hard way, when he wakes up in a bathtub for the first time in 6 months and feels like a failure. he hadn't drank nearly as much as he used to, he only had two drinks. somehow, still managed to end up in his tub again. dan looks like he's about to cry. he thought they were past this, the beer bottles and the waking up in a tub. phil doesn't even get a chance to try and say his peace before dan is out of the bathroom and out their front door.

 

he's fucked up so much, 6 months of sobriety, 6 months of being with dan.

 

-

 

  1. _make direct amends to such people, whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them, ourselves, or others._



 

phil knew the minute he walked into the pub to meet chris, it was a bad idea. pubs means beer. beer means drinking. drinking means disappointing dan.

 

he's a month, three days, 4 hours, 37 minutes, and 46 seconds (and counting) clean now, would've been 7 if he didn't have that hiccup. if it had been 7, he wouldn't feel so nervous. his hands wouldn't be shaking so badly right now. he would've been further removed from the last time he drank and he would've felt more confident in his ability to refuse the alcohol.

 

the thing is, chris didn't know that he relapsed. he's under the impression that he _is_ 7 months sober, that's why he asked to meet up at a pub. he figured that phil could control himself, since he's gone so long without drinking.

 

phil can only hope.

 

the lunch starts off incredibly shaky, with the waitress coming over asking what they would like to drink and phil nearly knocking the entire table set over. he tries to give an apologetic smile, blaming it on him being clumsy before ordering a water. chris gives him a weird look, asking if he's alright once she's gone. he brushes him off, he's totally fine.

 

then he spills the water all over the waitress when she comes back because his hands are so shaky with nerves. that's when chris starts to get suspicious. phil apologizes profusely, grabbing any available napkin and try to help dry off this poor woman. which leads to him accidentally grabbing her boob and she _slaps_ him for even daring touch a woman there in public. he shouts about his wonderful boyfriend, dan, and how, you know tyler oakley and how he’s gay? he's like that but _way_ gayer for about 5 minutes before the manager finally comes out and asks what's wrong. the waitress tells the manager that phil tried to sexually assault her, which, first of all, that didn't happen at all because, number one, _he's gay as fuck for his boyfriend_ , and, number two, everyone could clearly see that he tried to help her after he accidentally spilt water on her. the other patrons even try to help the poor guy, one of them even going as far as saying she's an attention seeker.

 

they still get kicked out, and they end up at a mcdonald’s eating big macs instead.

 

“what the fuck happened back there?” chris finally asks once he's halfway through his burger, wiping of his mouth with a used napkin.

 

phil shrugs. “shaky hands, you remember how shaky my hands were at 3 months.”

 

“yeah, but it's been 7 months, phil. your hands shouldn't shake that bad.”

 

oh shit. chris didn't know. in his defense, they didn't exactly broadcast to everyone every setback phil had, he decided that himself early on in his recovery. to him, it made him feel like he was more of a failure than he already was, not everyone needed to know.

 

“i-i relapsed about a month ago. wasn't that bad, but it was enough to set me back again.”

 

he hears a soft “shit” from his left and phil busies himself with his big mac and fries. mm, who doesn't love the mouth watering taste of a big mac? with 100% real beef, iceberg lettuce, onions, pickles, american cheese, and who can forget that special mac sauce? delicious, the best burger phil’s had in ye-

 

“why didn't you say anything?” chris’s eyes burn into the side of phil’s head and he has to force himself to not look over. “if you had said something, we wouldn't have gone to that place.”

 

“because i feel like a fuck up anyway for being an alcoholic,” he mumbles into his sandwich. “i don't like broadcasting every failure that i have. group tells us to celebrate successes and to not dwindle on our failures.”

 

“don't give me that hippie dippy bullshit. i'm your friend, phil. i care, yeah? i'm not like dan where i'm attached to your hip, but if i had known, i wouldn't have tak-”

 

“you're treating me differently.” phil sets his burger down, staring down the drink station and prays to god someone doesn't think he's staring at their boobs.

 

“what?”

 

“ever since you found out about my al- my _issue,_ you've been treating me differently. you don't ask us out to hang out with groups of friends, because you know beer will be there. you avoid saying things related to alcohol like it's going to trigger something in me that i can't control. i'm 31 years old, chris. i know i have an addiction, but it's not like pee-wee’s fucking playhouse. the word of the day isn't alcohol and we’re all not going to scream while i take shots.”

 

chris is left with grumbling to himself, trying to find the words to say to at least salvage the situation. he keeps opening and closing his mouth for a couple minutes, and in that time phil finishes what's left of his _absolutely delicious_ big mac and throws away the rest of his stuff. he stands next to the table, chewing his straw while chris seems to find some working brain cells.

 

“i'm going home, thanks for the big mac.”

 

phil leaves before he can be stopped, speed walking down the sidewalk in the wrong direction before realizing, oh yeah, they bought a new fucking flat.

 

-

 

or maybe phil should've stayed at mcdonald’s and let chris apologize for what he did because he comes home to what he assumes is the equivalent of an angry housewife. he wouldn't know, he's gay, but he does have a dan. this dan has been cleaning all day, for some reason is wearing an apron and holding a feather duster, and is looking quite cross when he comes into their home.

 

“why the fuck would you just leave chris like that?! do you have any idea how much you've fucked up!” dan throws - actually chucks - the feather duster at phil and he narrowly dodges it. “you're a fucking idiot!”

 

“hello someone who resembles my boyfriend. who are you and what have you done to dan?”

 

dan rips the apron and throws it on the ground, stomping over to where phil is. “you're such a fucking idiot! you practically ruin things with chris and then you make him feel so shitty and then just leave?!”

 

the thing about their fights is that they never get physical. yeah, they're men. sure they want to pretend they have some sort of dominance, they bump chests and get in each other’s faces. it's all for show. talk a big game before they both go fume off in their rooms to eventually meet back in the lounge to exchange apologies.

 

but dan slaps phil. the sting isn't the bad part, it's the burn. his skin burns where dan slaps him, being comically red if dan was stronger than your mum. his head is still turned away from the action, looking towards the new home that they built together. this never happens. they don't hit each other, they never get physical.

 

“he took me to a pub,” phil says through gritted teeth, closing his eyes. “he didn't know about the relapse but he took me to a pub. who the fuck takes a recovering alcoholic to a pub?”

 

“that still doesn't give you the right to make him feel like shit, phil.”

 

“no! it doesn't, that wasn't the point of me telling him about the time i fucked up dan. all of our friends, even you, treat me like you're walking on eggshells every time you're near me. you blacklist alcohol and beer and wine from conversations because you think i'm going to flip shit and drink everything in sight if i hear it,” he snaps his head towards dan, pushing him back. “i have found invitations to various events that you never told me about because it said there’d be an open bar. peej doesn't ask us to lunch like he used to because it's across the street from a brewery.”

 

“that's bul-”

 

“yeah, it kind of is, dan. all of you act like i'm 15 year old who'll cum after hearing boobs when i'm a 31 year old _recovering alcoholic_. i know i couldn't take care of myself before, but i can now. you've seen it yourself,” he's panting now, his shoulders visibly rising and falling with clenched fists at his sides. he know he's not going to hit dan, he's not going to stoop to that level. just breathe. “stop treating me like i'm a threat to myself and everyone around me. i fucked up once since we’ve gotten together, yeah? and suddenly everything changes.”

 

phil turns to leave, pulling his wrist out of dan’s grip when he feels it. he ignores the younger’s desperate calls, trying to get him to come back. dan slapped him, he actually purposely hurt him. all because he left chris during a lunch that blew up.

 

his first instinct is to drink, it's a quick stress relief. but he can't, because that won't fix anything. his second instinct is to get dan, but he's beyond pissed at him. third is to go to his parents, and before he can even rationalize his thoughts, his suitcase is out on his bed and he's shoving clothes and other items into it. laptop, phone charger, laptop charger, camera? no, he won't be filming there anyways. he packs a fidget toy just in case.

 

when it's night and he hears dan’s door close, phil leaves, a note in their kitchen letting him know of his whereabouts and to not follow him. the front door is gently shut, the cab to the train station seems too long, and soon enough, he's back in his mum’s arms.

 

his mum always made things better.

 

-

 

  1. _continue to watch for maladaptive behavior, without judgement, and take action to change it. be kind and apologize when you're in the wrong. drive like a taoist._



 

dan is not looking at him and it's a _date_ , you know. the kind where your partner or potential partner takes you somewhere and tries to woo you in some way.

 

sure, starbucks isn't the most “romantic” of places, but there's a high demand for coffee shop fan fictions, so that should count for something, right?

 

“your drink’s going to get cold if you don't, you know, drink it,” phil tries, taking a small sip of his coffee.

 

“fuck off, phil,” he hears, it's mumbled but still audible.

 

phil sits back, setting his coffee down and wrapping his arms around himself. dan’s been like this since he's gotten home from his parents. he’ll admit he shouldn't have gone unannounced, he's wrong for doing that, but dan had no right to attack him like that. or to slap him. and he's been home for two weeks now, dan has to get the stick out of his ass now.

 

“drink your fucking macchiato or we’re breaking up.”

 

“ _excuse me,_ ” dan snaps his head towards phil, sitting forward. “did you just threaten to break up with me over a stupid coffee?”

 

the thing is, it slipped out before phil could stop it. he didn't want to say it, because he knew he'd get this reaction. but he's so tired of all of this. he hasn’t drank in nearly 2 months now, been with dan for 8, and he's tired.

 

“yeah, yeah, i did. because i've been trying to talk to you since i got home from my parents and every goddamn time, i'm met with you not even looking at me and me wasting my money on a drink you're never going to even take a sip on. so drink the stupid, mother fucking macchiato, or i swear on all that is holy and true we are breaking up and i'm moving out.”

 

his hands are gripping the ends of his jacket, his jaw clenched and he's trying to calm himself down. he remembers andrea, she told him a story about this happening to her one time. how step 10 was always the worse, because you've worked so hard to get this far but everything seems to fall apart at this point. she and her boyfriend broke up during that point, and soon enough she was back to step 1.

 

dan’s staring at him with the same dead eyes he has for the past three weeks, grabbing the macchiato and taking a dramatically long drink out of it. he slams it on the table, nobody looks over, the place is too loud for anyone to notice. “are you happy now? didn't waste fifty pence this time.”

 

“you're treating me like a child.”

 

“you're acting like one.”

 

phil has to keep his mouth shut from saying every horrible, nasty thing he can think of to dan, even going as far as using stuff from back when they first met against him. forced air comes out of his nostrils, trying to calm himself down before he even says another word.

 

“dan, i'm 31, not 6. you're treating me like you can't trust me because i relapsed once since we got together. shit fucking happens, okay? just… stop acting like you have to be a hardass on me in order to stay in line when you know i don't even need that.”

 

dan shrinks in his chair, arms wrapping around his stomach. his hair is in his eyes, but he can't be bothered to move it. “you're not the same phil i met, and it scares me. you're the same phil that i l-am dating, but it feels like the phil in 2009 and the phil now are two completely different people.”

 

“alcoholism can do that to people,” the chuckle he lets out seems foreign.

 

“but i don't know what to do! there's nobody out there who's like, hey this is what you do when you're best friend and boyfriend who you've been living with for so long tries to quit their addiction. have fun. there's just, i'm doing my side alone. there's people who are best friends of former alcoholics and there are people who are dating former alcoholics. but every time i talk to one of them, they just never seem to get it. and then i found you in the tub and i thought it was all my fault because pj accidentally brought over two beers and i didn't say anything. so, i don't know, phil. i don't know how to cope.”

 

“have you seen our therapist?”

 

dan shakes his head, taking another sip of the drink. “cancelled two months ago, because i thought everything was going alright. then that happened and i never called to make a new appointment.”

 

his heart drops, his stomach turns and his hands begin to shake. it's his fault that dan isn't coping, no matter how they look at it, it's his fault. he grips the table in order to stop his hands, staring down at his coffee.

 

dan’s staring at him, mouth slightly agape. it surprises him to see phil like this. throughout this whole recovery, dan’s never seen his boyfriend close to breaking.

 

the table shakes instead of phil’s hands, his breathing gets heavier, and he starts to sweat. his vision is getting blurry, he tries to push his glasses back up but his hands are too shaky to even get his hand to cooperate.

 

“hey, phil?” dan mumbles, reaching out and putting a hand over phil’s. “c’mon, baby. come back to me, i’m not going anywhere, yeah?”

 

phil nods, exhaling forcefully out of his nose. “you’re n-not going any-nywhere?”

 

dan smiles, nodding. “i’m not going anywhere, phil. you know what we’re going to do?” phil shook his head. “what we’re going to do is call our therapist, okay? we’re going to schedule an appointment and she’s going to help us. we’re dan and phil, right? we can do this.”

 

phil laughs, lowering his head. “yeah, yeah. we can do this.”

 

-

 

  1. jackson is a lovely lady, has a lovely wife, and is amazing for keeping a straight face while dan is yelling at phil during their next session.



 

phil’s heard about this from other people in group, where their partner finally had a moment where they snap or they just start yelling. the yelling, they say, usually ends in tears and choking breaths. snapping usually ends with a trip to the pub, before they realize, hey, let’s not break our sobriety because fucking harvey finally broke over my alcoholism.

 

all dr. jackson did was ask them how their day was going. and now phil is getting years worth of pent up aggressive and fear thrown back at him.

 

“do you know what it feels like to be terrified of your friend coming home, cindy?” her name’s not even cindy, it’s sharon. “for 5 goddamn years, i hear the door open and shut and it’s not even guaranteed that he’s coming home! i can’t even call to have a friend bring phil back because i don’t know where he’s going! sure, he says he’s going to the shop to get fucking glitter for a crafts video, but then he comes home smelling of stale beer and has lipstick or chapstick or whatever the fuck smeared all over him.”

 

phil is hugging a pillow close to him, dr. jackson is trying to jot down everything dan is saying, and dan is doing his best dot during _i’m cute_ , huffing and puffing while looking between the two. he’s honestly surprise this hasn’t happened before now, they’re coming up on 10 months of being together, 4 months of phil being sober, and nearly a year and a half of therapy. he’s been battling this addiction for 6, maybe 7, years. and, somehow, dan’s held it all together.

 

“sometimes i’d get phone calls from pubs telling me to collect him, at fucking _3 in the morning_ . i don’t even know how they get my number, nor do i care. he still ended up in the bathtub,” he groans. “and nobody asks me how do i feel! it’s all ‘oh, how’s phil doing? how is phil’s addiction?’ nothing about how i’ve been watching my fucking _best friend_ nearly kill himself for years now! do you have any idea what it’s like to watch your best friend get taken away on a stretcher, phil? hm? no? well, i fucking have. it’s gut wrenching, i didn't even know if i’d be being you back home.”

 

“i’m sorry,” phil mumbles, pulling the pillow closer to him. “i’m sorry that you had to go through this at all. i’m sorry nobody cared enough to ask you how you were doing. i guess people just hear about someone with an addiction and they automatically zone in on them. i know this has been just as hard on you as it has been for me. i’m sorry.”

 

the silence that follows is deafening, the only sound is coming from the pen on paper. phil can feel dan’s eyes on him, the tension leaving his body as he finally realizes the impact of his words right now. this has been a journey for the both of them, not only has dan seen the worst side of phil possible, he almost lost him. the impact phil has made on his best friend’s life is bigger than he ever imagined, he didn’t think there has been so much pent up anger and aggression towards this. phil refuses to look over at him, just squeezes the pillow tighter.

 

“well, this has been quite a session, hasn’t it?” dr. jackson sets her pen down, looking between the two. “in my professional opinion, neither of you are close to being done with therapy. however, i think having both of you in a session is beneficial to phil’s continuing recovery and dan’s mental health. i'd to start having joint sessions as well as individual sessions, so we can talk out any and all issues. is there any objections?”

 

neither of them speak up, dr. jackson continues into more about her plan but phil tunes it out. he can feel his hands start to shake, his eyes glazing over with the sudden _want_ of alcohol. it hasn’t happened in months. and he’s scared. he doesn’t want to relapse, he can’t afford one right now. they tell him at group that slip ups are normal, that they’re just bumps in the road. but he can’t break it, not just after his boyfriend yel-

 

dan’s hand manages to find his own, and phil finally looks up. he feels the tears running down his face now, squeezing dan’s hand hard. it causes a wide smile to break out onto his face. for a second, phil doesn’t feel the need to drink. even so small, that second means everything to him.

 

  1. jackson smiles. “any questions?”



 

-

 

(phil ends up relapsing anyways a day later, but instead of drinking until he forgets, he bought himself 3 shots of tequila. he stumbles home after paying his tab, taking all the mints he can get his drunk hands on and even spraying axe body spray to dilute the smell of guilt.

 

dan still knows what happens when he gets inside, but he’s not mad. he doesn’t show it, at least, instead he helps phil into their tub and cleans him. he washes off the pub smell, the horrid axe body spray, the shame and the guilt. he feeds him biscuits to take away the feeling that his stomach is eating him alive, water to drown the demons, and kisses his nose for good measure. he gets him dress into his pajamas and lays him down on the bed. phil watches as dan leaves the room and, for a second, he doesn’t think he’s going to come back. but he does, laptop and charger in tow. he leaves again and comes back with phil’s bedding, and leaves once more to gather any other blanket in their home.

 

dan makes a nice, safe, soft fort in their room, wrapping phil in blankets and cozying up to him. the laptop plays disney movies, dan plays with his hair, and phil can feel himself fall asleep.

 

“why’d you do this?” phil mumbles, sleepily looking up. “i don’t deserve it.”

 

“because i love you,” dan whispers back, sinking down in the bed. “i did this because i love you and i know how hard it’s been since our session. you deserve this, phil.”

 

phil’s too tired to kiss dan, but he manages to mumble an ‘i love you, too’ back at him. for a second, everything is right in the world.

 

and even so small, that second means everything to him.)

 

-

 

  1. _involve ourselves in positive activities, such as dance, travel, learning in classes, exercise, meditation, going to museums and readings, writing and cooking. hang out with positive, spirit lifting people to participate in life and keep moving forward, away from our addiction._



 

“do you really think going on holiday is a good idea right now?”

 

phil’s standing in the middle of their living room, packed bags around him and holding their passports.

 

“why wouldn’t it be a good idea?”

 

dan gives him a look, like he’s dumb as shit, and phil doesn’t know what he’s done. there’s nothing coming up for them, vidcon has came and went, they’re not touring. it’s the perfect time to take a little time to themselves.

 

“well, first, we’re supposed to go over to chris’s tomorrow for game night. second, you chose _germany_. the country where they have an entire holiday based around drinking.”

 

“that’s ireland, dan,” phil rolls his eyes.

 

“you obviously didn’t pay attention during history. _oktoberfest_ , that thing that started out as a wedding and the germans were like, hey, that was fun. let’s do that again next year.”

 

in phil’s defense, he completely forgot about germans and their drinking. he googled “romantic places to take your partner” and, unfortunately, they’ve done every other country on the list. there’s apparently some romantic part of germany that’s perfect for couples, which phil didn’t think twice about before he booked their holiday. they don’t have a calendar in their home showing what things they have going on. so it’s not his fault that he didn’t know they’re doing a game night.

 

instead of responding, phil digs through his pockets, pulling out the paper he printed off for their trip, and hands it to dan. it’s the whole itinerary, nothing too strict but something general that they could at least try and follow. much like their japan trip, in a way.

 

it takes 2 seconds for dan to find a flaw.

 

“did you purposely have us visit at least one place with alcohol every day?”

 

phil opens his mouth, raising a finger like he was adam conover in _adam ruins everything_ , new episodes every tuesday at 10p/9a on tbs, before closing his mouth again. “i let the website make the itinerary and there isn’t an option for recovering alcoholics who are 2 months clean.”

 

dan sighs, letting his arms fall to his sides. “why germany?”

 

he doesn’t miss the “because of the alcohol” that comes from phil’s lips, the bags hitting the ground and phil’s arms wrapping around himself. the only trips they’ve managed have been for conventions they agreed to, and each time phil had had his nose to the grind to keep on the straight and narrow. his parents even cancelled their yearly holiday because of this. he feels like he's weaker now more than ever, he’s so far and yet it’s the beginning.

 

it’s like phil’s standing in the mirror, and the words “i’m an alcoholic” finally sink into him for the first time.

 

dan coos, going over to phil and hugging him close. it’s not the first, or the last, breakdown phil’s had, but this one seems different. he’d been doing good - _they’ve_ been doing good - since starting back in therapy, the only slip up was the relapse days after. he’s broken down nearly every other time he relapsed, but there’s a tugging feeling that this one isn’t related to that.

 

“i just wanted us to go somewhere nice, you know? all we do is stay cooped up in our house. the thing with chris is the first thing in months that’ll get us out of the house. i thought taking us on a surprise holiday would make us feel better,” phil pulls away, rubbing his eyes. “i started looking on all those travel websites and everything had some kind of wine tasting or alcoholic thing. it got too much. i just picked a random country, and when i saw it was germany i felt _relief_. i felt like i could breath again. i didn’t change because of the alcohol, i thought that if everything got too much then i could slip away. and then i just had the website through together an outline of the trip.”

 

dan rubs the back of phil’s hand with his thumb, a sad smile on his lips. “but you’ve been doing so good.”

 

“that’s the problem. i haven’t been able to go longer than 6 months without drinking and my hands shake and i get this anxiety that twists around in my chest and i don’t know what else to do besides drink. that’s the shitty part about not going with god’s stupid fuckers. they replaced the bottle with a bible, i replaced the bottle with you,” he lets out a shaky breath. “but they told me that it’s not a good idea to replace your addiction with a person. so i have to choose something else, but _nothing’s working._ and i’m scared, dan.”

 

“what are you scared of?”

 

“that one day i’ll drink too much and you’ll find my dead body. or that you’ll realize it’s not fun having a recovering alcoholic as your partner and you’ll just leave. and still someone will find me dead because i can’t see a life without you in it and you’ll get called because you’re my emergency contact and you’ll have to tell my par-“

 

dan cuts him off with a kiss, his hands tight around phil’s wrists. when he pulls away, he leans his head on phil’s shoulder. “i’m not going to leave you. we’ll find something that works for you.” dan lifts his head up, placing a gentle kiss on phil’s cheek. “haven’t left you yet, have i? love you too much to do it.”

 

phil smiles, leaning his head against dan’s. he doesn’t feel alright, but this is a close fourth place.

 

-

 

(the trip to germany switched france, last minute as well. dan takes the liberty of contacting all their friends about the sudden change in their schedule, and that he’ll let them know when they’re back in the country. they’re on a late flight that night, collapsing in their hotel bed soon after.

 

they don’t tell social media about it until dan wants to post a picture of them in front of the eiffel tower. phil allows it, but makes dan swear that nothing else will be posted until after they go home.

 

he speaks incredibly bad french to a local to ask them to take their picture, bless the local for being so kind. they assume their natural positions, close enough that they’re touching but far enough that they’re “platonic bros just chilling in paris, france.” dan sneaks a kiss on the cheek in the midst of all the photos, and then the local speaks better french to get them to do more coupley, straight people photos. they obliged, reasoning that they could send this to family.

 

one picture in particular, a photo of them both with flushed cheeks, a small smile on dan’s face and a wide grin on phil’s, nearly gets posted for their fans to see. dan stops him before it could be posted, telling him that he doesn’t want to be out yet. in reality, he wants to keep that photo private. he can see how truly in love they are, he wants this framed in their goddamn mantle.

 

dan makes that photo his lockscreen, and reminds himself to not show the fans his phone anytime soon.

 

by the end of the trip, phil feels light and airy. the twisting anxiety is no more, or at least it's subsided. he presses dan against their door when they get home, and suddenly clothes are everywhere and they’re going to get a noise complaint.

 

it’s not perfect, but dan feels like he’s getting his phil back.)

 

-

 

it’s october and they’re filming their halloween baking video. they’re sharing a sweater, trying not to use one hand, and it’s all around a difficult time.

 

“why can’t we just hold hands?” phil mumbles after dan calls him out for using his no no hand. “it’d be way easier if we just held hands.”

 

“then everyone will think we’re together!”

 

“yeah, but we also keep using the other hand! if we hold hands, then our brains will knows _hey buddy, don’t use this hand. it’s occupied._ ”

 

dan mocks phil under his breath, trying to crack the egg with his one hand. the worst part about this is they’re doing a redo of last year, but with actual baking and using their nondominant hand. because dan comes up with the greatest ideas.

 

the egg cracks all over their stove, dan crushes the shell in his hand in frustration. “how about we don’t bake the cookies?”

 

“but you promised me we would bake,” phil mumbled, even though he is already lamenting. “jackson said it would be good for me.”

 

“we can bake the cookies and not film. jackson never said anything about filming it for views. we just thought we’d kill two birds with one stone,” dan tugs on the sweater, pulling phil with him to turn off the camera. “we can just be dan and phil baking cookies.”

 

phil smiles, kissing the tip of dan’s nose before attempting to take off the sweater. it’s easier said than done, because it’s dan and phil and who would want things to be easy? but they get it off, and decide that tonight is a good night for chinese takeaway and not baking cookies.

 

(they also broke two eggs by dropping them on the floor, one egg is currently making a home on the stove, and phil ate all the chocolate chips that were meant for the cookies. dan learns this as he takes all the egg mess to the bin, turning around and yelling at phil for eating their ingredients.

 

he ate him out that night to make up for it. so dan can shut up.)

 

they end up on the couch, dan’s head is in phil’s lap. _great british bake-off_ is playing on their television, but dan seems to be the only one paying attention.

 

“do you think it’ll ever get easier?” phil asks, playing with dan’s hair.

 

“what will get easier?” dan turns his attention towards him.

 

“recovery. not having this burning need for alcohol. hand tremors,” phil shrugs, his hands stopping. “everyone says it does but it feels like i’m still at square one.”

 

dan sighs, biting his lip. it takes a moment before he speaks. “you remember how i was when i stopped cutting myself?” phil nods. “i can only speak from that, but it always felt like every relapse was a failure, especially because you would always find the bandages in the garbage. and you would get so mad at me, and i would just cry and cry because i don’t know anything else. but then it started to get easier when i had gone a year without doing it,” he’s not looking at phil anymore, but phil can see the tears welling up in his eyes. “you always caught me before i could even get my hands on my razors, and then you hid the box and you would only let me have them if i could give you an actual good reason why i needed them. i know cutting and alcoholism isn’t exactly the same thing, but yeah. it gets easier and better after a while. you just feel like a failure for a bit until then.”

 

phil wipes away the tears in dan’s eyes, smiling sadly to himself. “what if i relapse after years of sobriety?”

 

“i did it last year. everything was too much and i didn’t know what to do. and it just happened. i don’t remember breaking apart the razor or even… _doing_ it. i just remember seeing the blood on my arms and feeling like a fuck up,” dan pushes himself up, readjusting on the couch so sit next to phil. “and you were still in the beginning stages of recovery and you saw me and i felt like i had let you down. but you didn’t get mad, even though i was mad or scared of you all the time. you just bandaged me up and made sure i felt better. then during your sober periods, you kept checking in on me. i remembered why i stopped in the first place. i just remind myself that i’m doing this for you.”

 

(phil doesn’t tell dan this, but all he can think of when dan tells him this is the simpsons meme. the one where homer covers up a sign with pictures of maggie to remind it to _do it for her_.

 

he does tell dr jackson this, and that he understands why homer did it in the first place. he doesn’t have a maggie, but he has a dan. he needs to do this for him.)

 

it’s silent for a moment before phil pulls dan into a hug, kissing the side of his head. “i love you, you know.”

 

dan laughs, nodding. “i love you, too.”

 

-

 

chris signed them all up for “couples hip hop,” whatever the fuck that means, and he forgot how painfully white dan and phil are.

 

let’s not beat around the bush, we all have seen tatinof and the behind the scenes. phil has two left feet and dan has the rhythm of a snake except, apparently, when it comes to show tunes.

 

(anyone who says dan isn’t at least queer is lying to themselves. nobody sees the book of mormon 4 times for the plot.)

 

chris isn’t even with anyone, he just signed all of them up for this couples class for a genre of music that will show how all of them are completely and utterly white.

 

we don’t trust chris kendall. he has bad ideas.

 

(the dance class ended horribly, both dan and phil went home with matching bruises and they don’t know how pj made it out alive. they all shoot a look over to chris, who’s holding his hands up.

 

“in my defense, i thought this would be a fun friend activity.”

 

“says the single friend to all his taken friends,” louise rolls her eyes.)

 

-

 

  1. _we develop an ethical compass. we treat others with respect and compassion. we live with wisdom and generosity. we give back to the community when possible and to others in recovery while employing healthy boundaries. we live an example of a positive, openhearted, honest, ethical life and we put the shopping cart back where it belongs in the grocery store parking lot._



 

phil has no idea what the last part of step 12 means. mainly because they get their groceries delivered, they’re both profoundly lazy and apparently too good to let the common folk feast their gaze upon them.

 

the rest of the step is fine, he already does most of it without even thinking. they’ve started making donations to the places that helped phil in his recovery, AA meetings and support groups alike. dan starts an anonymous blog about what to do when you’re faced with someone close to you having an addiction. he changes their names to justin and franklin, documents everything in their timeline up to the present, and just tries to be the resource he needed.

 

phil’s very proud of dan. he’s proud of him for taking the worst situation possible and making some good out of it. the messages and questions they’ve received through the blog make it worthwhile, and phil hugs dan a little tighter every time.

 

on the flip side, dan is _extremely_ proud of phil. he hasn’t drank since after The Session, as he likes to call it, his hand tremors are getting a lot better than they were. and, most importantly, phil hasn’t drank in nearly a year.

 

sure, it’s 9 going on 10 months, but he couldn’t have been more proud of phil. this is the longest that he’s been sober since going into recovery. dan didn’t know that they’ve gotten this far, especially with all the scares and relapses. besides their tours and books, phil’s recovery is one of their greatest accomplishments.

 

-

 

it’s phil’s 32nd birthday and he didn’t think he would live to see this one.

 

not because he’s relapsed in the previous months, in march he’ll be _a year_ sober. he was surprised to make it to his 30th birthday, and then his 31st. he thought his addiction would catch up to him and kill him before he got this far.

 

the fact that he’s made it to 32 is a tear jerking moment.

 

it’s being out to dinner with his family, dan to his right and his brother to his left, and his mum keeps looking at dan like he’s some sort of miracle. his dad looks so proud of him, despite his addiction. it’s beaming when they start to sing happy birthday with dan squeezing his hand under the table. phil is in near tears, which looks dumb to any outsider, what idiot cries over getting sung to on your birthday?

 

phil’s 32nd birthday is a huge milestone. it’s the first birthday he’s completely sober for.

 

-

 

phil is not paying attention to the meeting, his mind is somewhere else. it’s not a bad thing, all his mind is focused on is what he has to get at the tesco so they don’t have takeaway for dinner. spaghetti? that’s simple enough with sauce and garlic bre- no, he’s pretty sure dan wants to get laid tonight. the height of romance and sex is not garlic breath.

 

they could make their own pizza. but that takes actual effort and dan is so indecisive about toppings, he can’t just buy the whole store.

 

maybe takeaway’s the better option.

 

he doesn’t know how long it’s been, but the whole room is silent and everyone’s looking at phil. it takes a minute before he even notices, jumping in his chair. “uh, did i do something?”

 

the head of the meeting - he thinks her name is karen - laughs to herself. “actually, yes, you did,” she smiles, turning to the table behind her. “i believe it’s march.”

 

“yeah…?” it’s march 2019, everyone not in a coma knows that. “what’s significant about the month?”

 

the people around him laugh, is there a joke he’s not in on?

 

maybe karen turns back to face the meeting and this time she’s holding something in her hand. “well, this time last year, you had your last drink, correct?” phil nods, his mind trying to put the pieces together. “it’s been a year, phil. you’re a year sober.”

 

the words hit him so hard he actually starts tearing up. how could he forget? he is very forgetful, yes, but how could he forget something this huge. “i-i am? i did i-it?”

 

the group nods, karen has a wide smile on her face. “yes, philip. you did it. you’ve earned your one year sober chip.”

 

everyone starts clapping and phil can’t hear, he feels numb. it’s a good kind of numb, he can’t believe he actually did it. his body gets up for him, walking to the front and taking the chip. it’s like a coin, but the weight and meaning behind it is much heavier. karen hugs him, the meeting’s over, and everyone follows suit in congratulating him.

 

the uber ride home he spends looking at the chip, flipping it around in his hand. there’s a triangle in the middle, the roman numeral I inside the triangle, around the sides of the triangle are the words “unity, service, recovery,” and “to thine own self be true” is in an arch over the triangle. on the other side, there’s a partial sun, in the sun ray beams has “this day my new life began,” phil tears up again at the words. he can’t hold a conversation with the driver, thanking him when he made it home, and he trudges up the stairs to his home.

 

“phil! you’re home!” dan yells, presumably from the kitchen. “i’m making some mexican for dinner, it’s what we had in th- what’s wrong?”

 

he’s frozen in place, staring down at the chip. it’s too surreal, first his 32nd birthday and now he’s lived to see his first year sober? phil can’t even form words, he just extends his hand out to dan to take it.

 

“what is it?” dan takes the chip from him, looking at it closer and then gasping. “is this?”

 

phil nods, looking up to dan. “i made it.”

 

dinner is forgotten and phil was right about getting laid.

 

-

 

it’s april, it’s alcohol awareness month, and phil uploaded a video he never thought he ever would.

 

it took a lot of time to get through the whole video, both in filming and editing, the topic is just emotionally taxing. he needed to do it, he’s wanted to always be someone people could look up to and he can’t lie about it anymore.

 

the video contains the whole story, his entire alcoholism story. the highs, the lows, the road to recovery, and the present. how he started to depend on the bottle instead of people for support. even hospitalizations. there’s nothing in his story that’s sugarcoated it is glazed over.

 

_that’s not what alcoholism is._

 

in the video, phil is wearing red for substance abuse awareness. he links to the AA group he goes to to sponsor them as well as other AA groups. alcoholics aren’t notoriously famous with a youtube following, phil is using his notoriety for good.

 

phil talks about how alcoholism is overlooked in younger people due to the partying lifestyle, about what happened to his body during withdrawal, about what still affects him to this day. he still has tremors, they’re less severe than they were but they’re still there. most of the effects of his addiction are unnoticeable, the tremors are the only thing that gives it away.

 

“are you sure you want to do this?” dan is cuddled up against him, looking at the computer screen. “once you upload it, you can’t take it back.”

 

“i need to,” phil mumbles, letting out a shaky breath. “i can’t keep lying about this.”

 

dan kisses his chest. “uploading it also means we’re out.”

 

phil chuckles and smiles. “you see,” he looks down to dan, “that’s not even what i’m worried about. i just hope they can accept me.”

 

he clicks the upload button, they watch as it tells them that it’s live. phil tweets out the new video, closing the laptop and locking his phone. “how about we celebrate by going out somewhere fancy?”

 

dan nods, kissing his lips before pulling him off the couch and to their room.

 

-

 

millions of phones go off with the notifications from one phil lester. a youtube video and a tweet.

 

_@AmazingPhil_

_New video! In honor of Alcohol Awareness Month, here is my alcoholism story youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ_

 

**NEW VIDEO FROM AMAZINGPHIL**

**My Addiction Story: Alcoholism**

 

_-fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get help for yourself or someone you love if they're suffering from an addiction. life's cool.
> 
> if you'd like to follow me on tumblr, do so @astronomerhxwell

**Author's Note:**

> if you or someone you know is struggling with any kind of addiction, do not be afraid to reach out for help. you are not alone. you can beat your addiction.


End file.
